hooray! good news for once!

News:
I have an interview coming up. I have to take and pass two tests before I get the interview, but they're sending me stuff so I know what to study for, and even without it I'd probably pass with flying colors anyway.

And guess what? It's not in science. At all.

I've been involved with computers since I was 9; I learned BASIC on my ancient-even-for-1991 Apple IIe-knockoff then, I moved on to learn C and 6502 and Z80 assembly (the latter of which I do not remember in any way, shape, or form), then the horrific version of HTML that was present in 1997, then Python, and now I'm teaching myself PHP and MySQL and making an abortion of teaching myself Javascript and Ajax.

Suffice it to say... I like computers. Over my past 6 months of joblessness, I've been running over in my mind how much easier programming/IT is for me than actual science, probably because I really enjoy it, but also because that's basically how my mind works. So I've been wondering if I shouldn't just abandon science and go for an IT-related career.

Well, the job in question is an entry-level IT position with Comcast, so if I do get it (and chances are good that I will, like I said), I guess I am indeed abandoning science, at least temporarily.

Look, I do enjoy science/chemistry and so forth, but the people in it? Dear Universe, they're awful. I've only met one person- okay, two, now that I think about it- who I really liked who were also scientists. One of them reads this blog (hello!), the other is a good friend whom I've lost touch with, unfortunately.

Everyone else I met in the biotech/pharmaceutical/chemistry industry is... ugh.

I can explain this most easily through an example. I talked to the Comcast hiring/recruitment lady today, and I couldn't believe the reception I got from her. I mean... she was not only polite, but... dare I say it... friendly? She treated me like a human being. In contrast, all but one of the recruitment people I've dealt with in trying to get another pharmaceutical/biotech job over the past 6 months (I'm up to 57 applications, now) have treated me like something they scraped off their nether regions.

"Why did you leave your last job?" At this point I would give one of a number of explanations, usually centering around the fact that I didn't like where the management was trying to steer me (metrology, ugh), and that I left to pursue other opportunities without fear of wasting my company's time.

There were other reasons, certainly, such as the fact they switched me from an hourly rate to a salary, meaning that they could (and did) require me to work 15+ hours a day without reimbursing me at all (forget overtime pay, I didn't get anything), the fact that I was doing the same work the Master's degree people did, and was even SUPERVISING them towards the end of my time there, but they got paid more than I did simply because they had a Master's degree, the fact that we were expected to work miracles with equipment 20 years old in some cases, the fact that I spent most of my time repairing HPLCs so that I could even attempt to work miracles, instead of actually.. I don't know... doing the job I worked myself nearly to death (literally) in school in order to even have... and the list goes on. I apologize for the run-on sentence.

But regardless of what reason I gave these recruiter-beasts, the answer was always the same: "Oh." (long, long pause) "I see." You could hear the contempt dripping from their fangs.

Getting my degree, I realize now, really, really, really hit me hard in the self-esteem department. I have to admit, I did some pretty amazing things prior to starting my degree, and even during my first year of school. I made an unfinished, but still far more literal and technically advanced translation patch of Fire Emblem for the Famicom (ask me if you want this, I still have it... somewhere...), I created my own style of music (TBMPHE!), I had webpages, my friend and I made an entire tabletop RPG system, I was programming an ACTUAL NINTENDO GAME at one point... you get the picture.

Then I hit my second or third year at UD, and... everything creative-wise on my part fell to shit. My one and only accomplishment was Fox For The Five, my second TBMPHE album. (I'm quite proud of that one, but it needs work... lots of work.) I had no time for any sort of creative pursuit, for one thing, my one and only outlet at the time being the insane mindscapes DXM produces, and even if I had had the time, I doubt I would have made anything significant anyway.

Because at some point, I stopped believing in myself at all, probably because of professors like the one I had that called me into his office the day before class started to tell me in no uncertain terms that I was going to fail his precious course. It was a second semester organic chem course, and I had enrolled in it without the benefit of receiving the divine wisdom he no doubt spewed forth during the first semester. I had had an organic chem course at Cecil, and thought it would at least prepare me somewhat for it. Not at all!

So I spent morning, noon, and night working through the old homeworks and tests he had available on his website, teaching myself graduate-level organic chemistry. I outright refused to go to that stupid old fuck for help. No one tells me I'm going to fail. I passed with flying colors.

As a side note, I eventually had to take his precious first semester course anyway, so I did during my last term of my last year. I never went to class except to take tests or if it was raining and I didn't want to walk home. I got an A in the course. This is a personal victory of mine.

Moral of that story: do not insult me, or I will eat myself alive, literally if necessary, in order to defeat you. And I will never, ever, ever forgive you. I don't treat people badly. I take it very personally when people do so to me without cause.

Okay, I'm going off on tangents and taking up your valuable time. I'll cut this short.

So let's say I was born with the responsibility of curing some disease or advancing medical or scientific knowledge to a higher level. Let's say that my refusal to accept this responsibility leads to a lower quality of life for many.

But if I have to out-and-out destroy myself in order to do it, and I spend my life in absolute misery... is it worth it?

I'm starting to think not.

I'm excited. It's probably very obvious, but I think my life will go better in general if I feel positive about myself and what I'm doing. My tenacity (or, more accurately put, my stubbornness to the point of insanity) is also a weakness for me; I'll keep banging my head against the same wall for years until I knock it down, no matter what the cost is to me. I'm the same way in personal conflicts.

It's not so much that that's a bad trait, it's just that my aim is off with it.